I often hear that you become most like the people that you spend the most time with. Above my family, friends and colleagues, I spend the most time with my MS. Although not a person, my MS follows me every single day. I have tingling, thanks to my MS. Foggy brain, you guessed it, MS. Optic neuritis…yup MS. I have many daily symptoms but somehow have managed to implement coping strategies to live a manageable life. There was a particular week however that my MS and I had a fight.
My week was filled with many tasks and at times I felt overwhelmed. My family was going on a vacation in one week and I was cramming in work, contacting clients and completing outstanding items. I was behind in my laundry and my home needed a good cleaning. I had accepted to help some friends with completing some of their personal requests and I was also volunteering. I also somehow worked in time consoling a friend who had just lost her mom. Alongside all of this, my son was sick. He had terrible tonsillitis and strep throat. He had a fever 3 days in a row coupled with lethargy and loss of appetite. He slept in my bed waking up several times throughout the night due to his irritability and high fever. So here I was with a very sick child, sleep deprived with lots of house tasks and work commitments. My stress level was high and my MS reminded me on several occasions to slow down. But how? I needed my son to get better. I needed to complete the tasks at work and also needed everything to be in order so we could take a relaxing vacation. Throughout the week my hands and feet were tingling. I was having jolts of pain in my leg and also experienced lhermitte’s.
So by the end of the week, my son’s condition became worse and I decided to take him to emergency. I made a quick stop to the bathroom because those of us with incontinence issues understand that it was very realistic for me to literally pee my pants with this stress. When I looked in the mirror, I was shocked to see how worn out I looked. The dark circles under my eyes had a striking resemblance to a panda bear. An overwhelming amount of lethargy came over me. “How could I drive my son to the hospital when I could barely keep my eyes open?”, I thought.
I contemplated calling an ambulance but I didn’t want my son in a situation that would cause him more anxiety. The mirror was honest. My MS symptoms were manifesting before my eyes. This is when the violent confrontation with my MS began. I hit my thy in hopes of getting feeling back in my leg. With anger I said, “Damn you MS. Get out of my way.” I conjured enough strength to take my son to the hospital and the whole way there I had tingling hands but I squeezed the steering wheel as hard as I could and endured the pain. I had an excruciating pain behind my right eye so I rubbed my eyeball so hard that I saw darkness when I opened my eye. I was in a fight with my MS. As I looked through the rear view mirror with only one eye to ensure my son was ok, I felt excessive itching down my back. I scratched my back like a lion attacking its prey, leaving lines of blood created with my fingernails digging into my skin. I became confused and second guessed my route to getting to the hospital, almost as if I was in a boxing match and down for the count. After I parked, I even carried my weak son of 41 lbs to the emergency doors. My feet and hands were tingling but it didn’t matter – I was fighting.
Days later my son did get better and is now back to the inquisitive child I know him to be. We were talking about that day and he asked, “Mommy, when you went to the bathroom before we went to the hospital, who were you taking to?” I chuckled and answered, “No one my love.” I will introduce him to my MS one day, when the time is right. I am not a violent person but that night I was involved in a fight. I and admire Sun Tzu’s Art of War and will maybe try to resolve my issues with words next time.
So I will surround myself with the dreamers, doers and believers. In a very bizarre and convoluted way, I guess this is why I hang out with my MS daily. True…I don’t have a choice but even if we have a fight, MS still sees the greatness in me. That’s my choice, my purpose. I am determined to always win the fight.
To your awesomeness,
Gaby Mammone
This blog was written for Living Like You and has been edited with permission.
